Written by: Megha, Anuja and Abhirami
'We are the granddaughters of the witches you couldn’t burn,’ reads the poster on the wall of the bedroom. Three of us are seated on the bed, with our mobile phones in hand, giggling over an Instagram poll that asked for stories on female friendships. “Endless gossip, pretty friends, never ending entertainment,” reads one reply from a guy. “The comfortability of having a space for being understood without the need for a Ted Talk,” are a woman’s words. As the fairy lights in the room bathes us in a faint, warm glow, we talk about how the replies from women feel like a hug, even though there are strangers, who decided to join the discussion about sisterhood.
A scene from The Bold Type (2017) plays on the laptop in front of us, as Jane, Kat and Sutton, the three best friends, hold hands and scream against a fast-moving metro train. “It’s us against the world,” we say out loud, as we decide to write about every story we know; how ‘women supporting women’ actually makes us better.
‘It is just a stupid bus’
One thing that connects all women together is the patriarchy. When the women in the Netflix show Sex Education (2019) found out that the one thing that they all could agree upon was the sexual harassment they had faced, we knew it to be true. When all of them showed up to the bus stop for Aimee, to make her board the bus again, to help her get through the trauma of a man masturbating on her in the bus, to let her feel that it was just a stupid bus, they were making a statement. A statement that is both warm and brave. “When I talk to my girls about a harassment story, they nod, hold my hands and move close to me. Sometimes they don’t even say a word, but there is healing in it, because I am certain that they know exactly what I am talking about. There is warmth in it,” writes Nithya, a 22-year-old. In fact, the trauma glues women together sometimes, provided that women understand women more, and empathise with each other rather than sympathising.
"When Kristin Scott Thomas said in Fleabag (2016) that ‘Women are born with pain built in,’ it reflected with me. The fact that this pain can only be understood by my female friends is something that I realised way later in life. Our lived experiences speak for ourselves and the collective pain we carry and help each other carry. I used to call my sister back home, miles away from Chennai, when I used to take a late-night local train from work to the place I was living back then. It wasn't her assurance or anything that helped me survive those tedious nights but the fact that she would get it, no matter what and the comfort that I don't have to explain my fears,” writes Diya Maria George, a Chennai based journalist.
“My female friends have honestly set the bar so high that no man will probably ever reach,” firmly believes Namitha, a 22-year-old. She reiterates that they raise her standards by providing her with a safe space that is comforting and judgement free. Whenever things go south, the women circle is the safe space, according to most of the women who wrote to us. They feel anything is possible if their girls are with them. It is almost time to redefine the quote, when life gives you lemons, just say “it’s just a stupid lemon,” and move forward.
‘I am not like other girls’
Growing up, most women have gone through the phase of not being like ‘other girls.’ Just like Aditi found comfort in Naina's companionship in Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani (2013), it takes time to truly understand what female companionship means. Aditi was a character who always found solace in the company of her childhood male friends, Bunny and Avi. But things change when she shares a bond with Naina. The scenario is very much similar with many women out there. The relationship between women grows and then they realise how powerful and intimate females are with each other. Aditi turns up at Naina’s doorstep one day, out of the blue, and their journey from being just friends to best friends begins there. Naina witnesses the transformation of Aditi, who was once called a ‘jungli ladki’ (wild and reckless girl) to a full-grown woman. Even her childhood friends, Bunny and Avi, never see it.
Women are each other's support system; the affirmations, reassurance, empathy and care they resonate with are profound and powerful. From sharing clothes to deep conversations, women have a space that is safe, where they can be their vulnerable selves and not worry about what the other person is going to think. “Female friendships are my everything. It’s my girls whom I can truly trust. Whether it is trying to decide on an outfit or a major life decision, their opinion matters. They have made me take really brave and scary steps in my life that I would never have done without them. It’s magical as to what female bonds can do,” writes Muhsina Fatima, a Chennai based entrepreneur.
Be it Najma, who encouraged her daughter Insia to pursue her dreams despite the patriarchy that traps them in Secret Superstar (2017) or Manju and Mili from Khoobsurat (2014) who are best friends first; friendship between females is comforting. Mili calls Manju by her name and even discusses her first kiss with Vikram to her. They share a bond that is non-judgemental and free. They are each other's comfort zone. When Najma wants her daughter to conquer heights without any restrictions, Insia not only strives to achieve it for her but also for her mother so that they can get out of the toxic and unsafe family they live in.
“Till late teens, I thought having more male friends was cool and girl gangs are just meant for sharing gossip. I would be elated when someone says ‘you're not like other girls.’ Thanks to the girls in my life, it took me no time to understand how we shape stereotypes and stereotypes shape us. I slowly realised the ‘gossips’ are mostly direct or indirect questioning of patriarchy,” shared Anagha R Manoj, a Chennai based journalist.
'Female friendships are an act of rebellion. Be a rebel.'
The statement above from the article ‘Why there’s nothing in the world more powerful than female friendship’ by Glamour resonates with several replies that we received. “I believe that people are afraid of the power that true female friendships possess, because they always try to suppress or diminish its value,” writes Sukanya Balaji, a 24-year-old, who studied in all girls’ institutions, both during her Bachelor’s and Master’s degree. She further elaborates how she was warned by many that jealousy and ego clashes would be unavoidable in such an environment. “Of course, it was present - which would have been the case in any institute that I would go to. But I was blessed enough to make lots of close, meaningful friendships.”
Media has always loved to pit women against each other. This age-old, overused trope of women being jealous and malicious towards every other woman who simply exists, goes beyond languages, cultures and time periods. Take the classic Regina George and her gang of ‘Plastics’ from Mean Girls (2004), the multitude of Indian soaps that portray women as rude and catty creatures out for each other’s blood or this k-pop song released in 2022 from a group of seven iconic female idols; the trope has somehow survived and thrived through the years. The k-pop song, Step Back, came as quite a shocker when released, as the group is named as Girls on Top (GOT) while the lyrics that are being sung by the women goes, ‘Step back, silly girl.’
A Twitter user's take on the k-pop group, GOT
Saakshi Niranjan, a 26-year-old Master’s student, writes, “[Female friendships are] either the worst or the best. There’s no in between.” And the years of terrible portrayal of the same on screen speaks for it. Thankfully, the other end of this spectrum has series and movies like Friends (1994) with its iconic trio of Monica, Rachel and Phoebe; Thelma and Louise’s undying loyalty towards each other, and even teen-centric books like Malory Towers by Enid Blyton, who writes about an all-girls boarding school with friendships that grow through their schooling years into a beautiful bond.
Female friendships are either the worst or the best. There's no in between.
‘Being silly, vulnerable, brave and all at once’
One thing about women's circles is, it is a no judgement zone. If you want to crack a silly joke and want to talk about smashing patriarchy at the same time, it is welcomed. Your girls will be silly with you while swinging along with you to the serious conversation. Women know that being vulnerable is an act of being brave, better than men. Many feel that women are better listeners and they validate each other’s emotions better.
Navya, a Kerala based copywriter at Radio Mirchi, talks about how only few people in your life truly connect with you. “My girl friends have taught me that it's okay to be silly or unpredictable. They have made me fall in love with myself a little bit more.” And for her, it's the simple things that they do, a deep conversation on the balcony or a simple walk at midnight to get tea that connects her more to friends.
Illustrations | Source: Vecteezy
Many associate women friendships with words like comfort, safety net, secured, and heard, as these were the repeated words that we heard from the women who shared their stories.
“I used to think it is cool to be a ‘tomboy’ and to be friends with boys. But I specifically joined a girls only school for my higher secondary and the kind female bonds I got there, is what really helped me build strong female friendships at every stage of my life,” says Athira Sujatha, a 36-year-old, who is proud of her women gang. “I think it is a lot about being for each other mostly in silence. When your friend is ranting, I realised it is important to listen and to be there for them, so that they will feel safe. We talk about everything here, about our dark, deep secrets, we are trying to be the best wingwoman for each other, and I think that safe space is only there in female friendships,” she adds.
The in-betweens
Many say women friendships are on extremes. It is either too good or too bad, there is no in-between. But, reading all those stories of women narrating their friendship tales from an ‘in between’ perspective, it appears to be a whole another universe. A universe with its fair share of good and evil. But what makes this universe better is the way women supporting women makes the good outdo the evil - sounds cinematic, but true. As Gloria Steinem, an American journalist and social activist, once said, “Women understand.” And reading all the stories that we received from both men and women, we, as women writers, writing on female friendships, do understand. After all, it’s just a stupid lemon, right?
The authors, Megha Mukundan, Anuja Jose and Abhirami Nair, are three young women, who firmly believe that female friendships are indeed very powerful and occasionally get together to celebrate said friendship in the form of ranting their hearts out to each other.
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